Think about it...

In my experience, whatever issues I have with my partner really don't have that much to do with her but are all about me. So when I find myself being mad at her for whatever reason, I take a second and ask myself this question, "is this really about her or is it me being insecure, too demanding, setting to high of expectations, etc. Granted I am not going to lie and say sometimes I am not extremely upset with her and feel like it is all her fault, but I would say the more mature I get the more I realize it has less to do with her and more to do with me.

Let me give you some examples:

Girls night out - When I first got together with my girlfriend Tracy she would go out all the time with her friends to the bar. I was a nervous wreck and would get so mad at her because I felt insecure and sick inside. The situation almost resulted in me ruining a great relationship because I could not deal with my feelings. As time went on I started to realize that she deserved to spend time with her friends and that she was not doing anything wrong. I realized it was my feelings of insecurity that were the issue not her choice of activities. Now I am not saying that if I was with someone who didn't go with friends as much and if she did they went to movies and out to dinner it would not have been easier. Reality is, I would still have feelings of insecurity and would be allowing someone else to control my feelings of security. I am so grateful for the experience and the opportunity to grow as a person. Even now from time to time I still get insecure ,but I try to explain my feelings to her in a way that she understands and it's still all about me.

Feeling loved - Interesting how everyone gives and recieves love differently. I have found I am kind of a nut case when it comes to this so I have to pay special attention to the feelings I am having and distinguish is this really an issue to talk to her about or am I just being a baby. Being a personal trainer I live a certain lifestyle and I have a very strong desire that the partner I am with have that same lifestyle. Many times in the last 3 years I have felt unloved because my partner has not lived the same lifestyle I do. I feel that if she really loved me she would adopt that lifestyle to make me happy. Sounds like manipulation on my part! I recognize in myself that I do this a-lot with my significant other and to be brutally honest it is one of my worst traits. On the other hand, I do believe if something is very important to your significant other you should make the effort to be important to you as well.

Compromise - Is probably one of the most important words in a relationship. If I use the examples from above: Girls night out - I have come to realize that no matter how much I wanted Tracy to go bowling and to dinner with her friends it just isn't going to happen. I also realized that she loves girls night out it gives her a chance to be with friends in a fun environment, get dressed up all sexy, and at the end of the day I absolutely love that about her. So I know it is not fair nor do I want to ask her to give that up. However, I have asked her to not stay out all night and she respects that because I have shared my feelings honestly and not made it about her and not trusting her. Lifestyle changes - Sometimes it is unfair to ask our significant other to do things he or she does not want to do. I realize my wanting her to live the same way is not very fair. However, we both recognized that if our relationship is going to work she has to compromise in order to be in this relationship. I recognize her effort and I am so appreciative and in turn I do not expect her to be as passionate about it as I am, put as much time into, or change her lifestyle so completely she becomes someone she is not to appease me.

The next time you are having issues with your significant other take a moment and ask yourself, "is this really about their behavior or is it my issue". Be honest with yourself and you will find the majorityof time it really is more about you and less about the other person. I mean we are all screwed up from our childhook no matter how good a job our parents did. Differen't situations push our buttons in a way that is only unique to ourselves. If you do this exercise I think you will find you are happier because you are in control of your feelings....

Physical Touch...

In the 40,000 hours or so that I have spent with women I can honestly say one of the biggest complaints I have heard is "the only time my spouse or boyfriend touches me is when he wants sex". I remember one client in particular who was on a cruise with her husband when something inside of her finally snapped and she told him "I'm not your fucking hooker". She didn't talk to her husband the last 3 days of the cruise and six months later she was divorced. Her biggest complaints were that he never communicated with her (another article) and he never touched her unless he wanted to have sex.

Typically the next remark that I get is "even if I ask him to rub my shoulders or my back he does it for 30 seconds and puts so little effort into it and makes it seem like such an inconvenience what's the point"? If this sounds familiar and you do this all the time to the person you call your sweetheart is that you don't value her as a person. The moment your sweetheart feels like all you care about is having sex with her and that she isn't important to you as a human being is the moment you stop having as much sex as you want. So if you find yourself saying things to your sweetheart like: We never have sex anymore, I feel like you aren't attracted to me anymore, Why can't the sex be like it used to be when we first met. And you are hearing her saying all to often: I am just too tired, Not tonight, I am just not that interested in sex anymore! You may want to pay extra attention to what I am about to say...

Women are wired completely different than men when it comes to sex. Even the women I have known who are the most sexual typically don't want to have sex unless they feel valued and loved by the man they are with. In my opinion, one of the best ways to show a woman you love her is to touch her: hold her hand, run your fingers through her hair, rub her feet at night while you are watching your favorite shows together, when she is cooking dinner come up behind her and wrap your arms around her and tell her how sexy she is, give her a hug when you get home like its the last time you will ever see her, put your hand on her leg when you are driving in the car, when you can see she is tense, upset and having a hard day envelop her with physical touch, rub her shoulders, etc and you will literally see the tension leave her body... And at least once a month get the lotion out and give your sweetheart a head to toe massage that lasts at least an hour. If you don't know how to give a massage and you feel inadequate spend the $50 or $60 dollars you would on a massage and ask the massage therapist to walk you through how to give a great massage.

My advice would be to become fascinated with your lover's body,  pay extra attention to what she likes, how she responds to your touch,  to communicate with her and ask her what she likes best. In turn, you will make her feel special, wanted and valued as a human being. The greatest thing of all is you will create an intimate relationship with your sweetheart which will lead to amazing sex and a much better relationship.

So if your relationship is not where you want it to be and the intimacy in your relationship is less than you desire. Touch her often and with a sense of purpose to communicate to her that you love her and value her as a person and I can guarantee you will notice an immediate change in your relationship. The spark that brought your relationship will return and just might be better than ever...

"I just need some space"

These few words put more fear into the hearts of men than almost any other. If you are a man reading this the purpose of this blog is to calm your fears and give you an insight to what these words mean. If you are a woman my purpose is to teach you how to communicate this to the man in your life so he understands and gives you the space you deserve. I think "Pink" does this better than I ever could so I am borrowing her words from her song "Leave me alone" because she says it so well and to the point.

"Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)"Go away Give me a chance to miss you Say goodbye It'll make me want to kiss you I love you so Much more when you're not here Watchin all the bad shows Drinking all of my beer I don't believe Adam and Eve Spent every god damn day together If you give me some room there will be room enough for two Tonight Leave me alone I'm lonely Alone I'm lonely I'm tired Leave me alone I'm lonely Alone I'm lonely tonight I don't wanna wake up with another But I don't wanna always wake up with you either No you can't hop into my shower All I ask for is one ***kin' hour You taste so sweet But I can't eat the same thing every day Cuttin off the phone Leave me the ***k alone Tomorrow I'll be beggin' you to come home Tonight Leave me alone I'm lonely Alone I'm lonely I'm tired Leave me alone I'm lonely Alone I'm lonely tonight Go away Come back Go away Come back Why can't I just have it both ways Go away Come back Go away Come back I wish you knew the difference Go away Come back Go away Give me a chance to miss you Say goodbye It'll make me want to kiss you Go away Give me a chance to miss you Say goodbye It'll make me want to kiss you Go away Give me a chance to miss you Say goodbye It'll make me want to kiss you Tonight Leave me alone I'm lonely Alone I'm lonely I'm tired Leave me alone I'm lonely Alone I'm lonely tonight Tonight Leave me alone I'm lonely Alone I'm lonely I'm tired Leave me alone I'm lonely Alone I'm lonely tonight Tonight Go away Give me a chance to miss you Leave me alone I'm lonely Alone I'm lonely Say goodbye It'll make me want to kiss you I'm tired Go away Give me a chance to miss you Leave me alone I'm lonely Alone I'm lonely Say goodbye It'll make me want to kiss you Tonight Go away Give me a chance to miss you Say goodbye It'll make me want to kiss you.

Men take these words in and the next time your sweetheart says she needs some time give her all the space she deserves. Do not be mad and tell her you understand give her a hug and a kiss and leave calmly. The next part is very very important let her call you no matter how badly you want to talk to her. If you had a fight do not call and apologize again for the twentieth time just give her space to cool down and process things. Similar to sales when you ask for the close the best thing to do is just shut up and wait for a response. The typical response for a man is to want to talk things out and make everything OK right that second. Women do not work that way and when you force the issue it typically ends with more and more fighting. In general, if you give the woman in your life a chance to miss you and you aren't always smothering her you will in turn get the response from her you are desiring. Think of a women as a cat. The last time you kicked a cat and you tried to make up with that cat what happened. Most likely you chased it around the house and it tried to hide and get the hell away from you and the more you chased it the longer it took for the cat to come back around and want to be around you. The best thing to do is let the cat come to you. The other thing about is that they don't like to be smothered and confined. Think about the last time you tried to force a cat to sit on your lap and you wrapped your arms around it so tightly it couldn't move. You might still have the scratches to remind you that didn't work out so well. On the other hand, if the cat comes to you and climbs up in your lap and you gently pet it and when it does move a-little bit you allow it to stretch its legs and reposition most of the time it will sit with you for a long time. By allowing the woman in your life the flexibility to feel free and to come and go as she pleases without guilt you will find she will come back more often and stay longer. Master this concept and you will be amazed at the response you get!!!

Women the next time you deserve some space from your man borrow some of the words from Pink. The most important thing to do whether or not you are mad at the time or not is to share your heart with him. Tell him just because I need some time to myself doesn't mean I don't love you. When men hear the words I need some space it scares them and in turn they respond by wanting to be with you even more. If you want the space you deserve take the time to be kind and loving and don't demand the time with anger. Men are like dogs. Think about it, you can yell, scold and kick a dog in the butt and five seconds later the dog is by your side looking for reassurance you still love him. The moment you show the dog you are not mad anymore he will go on his marry way, but if you don't he will be under your feet until you do. Men are kind of slow and sometimes the only way to get their attention is to blow up at them. I understand this just take a moment after and give a-little reassurance which does not mean you can't communicate you are still upset...

Implement the strategies I shared with you and I know you will be surprised how well things go!

Unconditional what? You have got to be kidding me!

As a personal trainer 99% of the people that pay for my services want to lose weight. The most common question all of my clients ask me when I utilize different strategies to assist them to lose weight is "will the weight loss be permanent" and my answer is always the same. "If you stop doing the things that created the weight loss and you go back to all your old habits the weight will come back period." Now onto the topic at hand "Unconditional Love". Pardon the language but the idea of unconditional love is a bunch of shit. If you fall in love with someone because they are loving, honest, and your best friend and as the relationship progresses this person becomes mean, lies on a consistent basis, and you would rather talk to anyone in the world but them. Why on earth would you expect yourself to love this person unconditionally. Relationships are very similar to being fit and maintaining an ideal weight it takes constant work and dedication. The difference between my clients that get the results they desire and the ones that don't is attention to details, dedication and the ability to sacrifice when needed. I will use an example of two different clients and how their choices make a difference in reaching their goals or not. Client A is a picture of fitness and her clothes fit exactly the way she wants them to. She is confident and can't wait to go shopping because she feels good about how she looks. Client B seems to lose the same ten pounds over and over. She talks constantly about how she wishes she could lose 25 lbs. she makes excuses about her eating and she definitly doesn't look forward to shopping. Due to the fact, she can't buy the clothes she really wants to ,because she just doesn't look good on her and she knows it! Client A and B are friends and are asked to a wedding reception for a friends daughter. Client A knows that it is very likely that the food served at the reception. So she is proactive and: makes sure she doesn't go hungry, maybe even eats a small amount of protein before she goes, and once she is there realizes that the fun of the reception is communicating with others and not in getting caught up with eating foods that don't lead to her long term goals. Client B on the other hand: goes starving, definitely doesn't pre-plan her strategy of not overeating, and once at the reception feels like she has to eat everything on the menu to get the full experience of the reception. Consequently Client A feels great about herself and is optimally healthy and client B is uncomfortable with her appearance, is out of shape, and does not recognize she has sub par results because she lacks discipline and dedication to achieve her desired results. You ask how does this apply to relationships? Husband A has the same characteristics as client A: proactive, is dedicated to achieving his results (a great relationship with his significant other), takes the time to think ahead, foresees possible issues, and in general is honest with himself and what it takes to have a great relationship. Husband B is a clone of client B: goes through the relationship in a ho hum way, isn't dedicated to a desired result, and in general is not committed to having a great relationship. Being a great partner takes: desire, committment, planning, action, and most importantly concious effort on a daily basis. Great relationships like great bodies are not built overnight Keep reading my blog posts and I will give you the how's to building a great relationship!

The key to a woman's heart... Trust me

The easy part is to get a woman to fall in love with you. The hard part is keeping her in love with you for a lifetime. And there is no easier way to lose her heart than to lose her trust. Trust is very very unique.... As a society we create standards for everything and human behavior is no different. For example, if a child does what he or she is asked 95% of the time without arguing the child's parents most likely brags about what a good listener he or she is. If a man is tender and kind 80% of the time it would be fairly safe to say most women would describe him as a really kind and tender hearted man. A mother who is patient with her kids 75% of the time would most likely be described as a patient mother. If a child gets 90% on his or her spelling test the teacher gives that student an A. If a teenage daughter is home by curfew 99% of the time when she is late on ocassion her parents are probably pretty understanding. When you pay your bills on time 97% of the time you most likely have great credit. When a wife is in charge of the budget and 98% of the time is very frugal she is most likely viewed as excellent with money. And when a man is truthful in his relationship with a women 99.9% of the time he is a liar and cannot be trusted with her heart!!! Trust is unlike any other attribute... Like I said earlier if a man is loving, kind, generous, romantic, happy, determined, a great provider, in shape, funny, sexy, etc... He would most likely be described by his significant other as such. Not trust! If a man tells the truth 98% of the time he is most likely described as the biggest liar on the planet and not to be trusted. My advice to men - Be honest 100% of the time no matter how hard, painful, and devestating to your relationship the truth is do not lie!!! Women have an incredible ability to forgive if you are upfront and honest. But mark my words "If you lie and the truth comes out later" the chances of forgiveness for that particular act, event, situation are drastically reduced. Lets use an example: A new girl is hired at your work and you find her extremely attractive. You get to know her and she feeds your ego, finds you sexy, smart and makes you feel like your significant other used to make you feel. As each day passes you find yourself wanting to spend more and more time with this sexy new co-worker. You even start talking about her to your significant other on a regular basis. The first time you mention her name to your significant other the most likely response will be "Is she cute? Do you find her attractive? You idiotic response "She isn't ugly but not really that cute" One day your significant other drops in on you at work and she is greeted by the new girl and the second she puts the face to the name she knows you lied to her and even worse you know she knows. You get home and she asks you "so why didn't you tell me the new girl was drop dead gorgeous?" And like a dumb ass you say "I don't find her that attractive" "she is weird" and "she drives me crazy". Mind you that for the past 3 weeks you have probably said at least 3 things that your significant other would percieve as a compliment. Bustedddddddddd! From that moment on your life is a living hell of epic proportions you never thought possibe. Every time you are late, wear a different cologne, are happy, distracted, in a bad mood, unkind, go to work early, are unavailable to talk, etc, etc, etc... Your significant other will think it is all because of the new girl and your lack of balls to tell the truth. A better approach: Assuming you give a shit and you love your significant other the moment you felt an attraction to the new girl go to your significant other and say with love and kindness "I have something I want to talk to you about" and proceed to tell her there is a new girl in your office that you find attractive and that she makes you feel good about yourself. Don't hold back! In a loving, open and honest way let her know how you are feeling and why. Let her know you are telling her this because you love her and the relationship you have with her is very important to you. I can guarantee you as hard as this might be to hear for her your chances of forgiveness and more importantly the trust you will build will improve your relationship more than you can ever imagine. By being honest, the situation went from being potentioally devestating to your relationship to a situation of trust, honesty and open communication and intimacy that will elevate your relationship to a whole new level. Bottom Line: Being truthful is not something you can do 99% of the time and have a successful relationship. Being honest is not always easy but it's always the right thing to do no matter how hard it is... I believe there is nothing more impactful in a positive way than being honest 100% of the time!!! My advice to women: Don't ask me why it is one of the mysteries of the universe why most men have a hard time telling the truth. Be patient, kind and don't assume if the man in your life lies to you that he is lying about everything. I know for me growing up telling white lies to my mom was how I didn't hurt her feelings and didn't dissapoint her. I always thought I was showing her a form of love by not making her worry, dissapointed or angry. When I have lied in my relationships with women it hasn't been some big conspiracy or my master plan to be deceptive. I am not saying in any way I was right and justified in my behavior. I am simply saying look deeper than the surface a lie isn't always intentional and a way to hurt you...

Something every woman should know! And men you better pay attention...

Most men are stupid and literally have to be hit over the *&^(%$^@ head with a shovel to get their attention. I have heard it and seen it over and over again! A married woman complains to her husband almost daily that she feels like she is unappreciated, needs more help around the house, and is overwhelmed. I could have chosen 50 other things to use instead of these three. This goes on for years with little or no change in behavior from the husband until one day something deep inside the married woman's soul changes and she is done. The words may not have been communicated yet but the married woman is done emotionally and it's only a matter of time until she says I want a divorce. When these words are finally communicated to her significant other. Several very interesting things happen: First, the husband feels absolutely blind sided, dazed, and confused. Statements like, "I didn't even know something was wrong", I know we have had some problems but we can make it work", "Whatever it takes I am willing to do it", "I will go to counseling", "I will change I promise", etc, etc, etc... or in most cases blah blah blah!!! Any woman who has broke off a relationship with a man knows exactly what I am talking about here. Obviously, a relationship is made up of two people and both parties have a responsibility to the relationship in order for it to work.

Women: Instead of complaining on a daily basis about feeling unappreciated and overwhelmed because you never get a break from the kids. Use the ultimate weapon "sex" to your advantage. Men will do almost anything if they believe it will get them laid more... Honey, If I felt like you appreciated me more and did more to help me out around the house so I didn't feel so overwhelmed I would make it up to you in the bedroom!!! Just remember men are like dogs we forget easily and need constant motivation. Think of your significant other as a new puppy. Lots and lots of training will be required upfront to get the result you want but once you have him trained your life will be so much better. Men are so simple... You can use this same technique to get whatever you want in your relationship. I know some of you might be offended and feel like I am saying that you are in essence prostituting yourself to get what you want. I'm not saying that! What I am saying is that men are easy to figure out it's built into our DNA and if you are not getting what you want you have two choice. 1. continue doing what you are doing and get the same results. The definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. or 2. Do what gets results and listen to what I am saying. Remember when you were dating the man who is now your significant other and you asked him to do something you knew he didn't enjoy (go to the opera, visit your parents, go shopping with you) I bet you most of the time he jumped at the opportunity and you hardly heard a complaint from him. Was it because he loved you more then? Wrong... He was trying to impress you because he knew he would get laid more! You have to turn the tables and become the pick up artist and fill his need that is not being met. Trust me it will go along way in getting what you want...

Men: Let's just be frank and honest here... Most of the things we do are to get us laid! The nice dinner out, the new pair of shoes you just bought her, and the surprise weekend away in Aspen are all a way to get more, better, hotter sex! I can guarantee you if you do this one simple thing you will get the best sex of your life all the time... Listen, listen, listen!!!! Take 5 minutes right now and write down the things your significant other complains about or expresses concern about and make a commitment to make a change in that area today. For instance, if your significant other tells you almost daily she is overwhelmed with the kids and all the housework call her right now and tell her to call a friend and go to the movies that she deserves a night out with her friends. Bring home some take out so she knows the kids will get fed and when she leaves take the time to pick up the house, do laundry, and if their is anything you she has been asking you to do around the house do it. I can guarantee you if you light some candles and have the house spotless you will have the best sex you have had in a long time. All the great things you do for her now are probably amazing ,but the things you don't do are costing you more than you can imagine.... And some day you may find her saying I'm done and I don't want to do it anymore. I can hear all the men out there saying "I do so many nice things for her that she just doesn't appreciate" and my come back to you is "you can be right and divorced or you can have a fulfilling relationship with lots and lots of hot sex". You make the choice!

Why married women are so easy to pick up on... At least for everyone but their significant other!

I started my personal training career when I was only 23 years old. I was in a marriage that was not fulfilling my needs in one very important area. My wife at that time hated exercise and physically was not at all what I was desiring. In my mind, I did not care where that need was fulfilled I just knew I needed to fulfill it. For the next ten years, I had emotional affairs with at least a 100 different women that were married or in a committeed relationships. During that time, I learned that married women (any woman in a committed relationship) was the easiest woman to pick up on. Reason: When you pick up a married woman all you have to do is fill one need. The need that is not being met in their current relationship. The need to feel sexually desired, understood, important, alive, smart, listened to, validated, happy, carefree, etc... Fill that one need and I became everything to them and in turn they became everything to me. The relationship was built on fantasy and the focus was on the sexual attraction, the fulfillment of a missing need, and everything that made me the ideal man to fill that all important missing link to their happiness... I engaged in these relationships for ten plus years and I got really really good at getting married women to fall for me. I listened to their stories and gave understand. I filled the missing need with perfection and in turn I became completely fulfilled as long as I had someone who needed me. I feel like I gained such a unique insight into the psyche of a married woman. My gift back to the world is to share this information with men so they can pick up on their significant other on a daily basis so someone else doesen't. My gift to women is to allow them to recognize that when a man other than their significant other fulfills that missing need it does not mean he is the key to your future happiness and its worth giving up on your current relationship to be with this man. However, I am definitley not saying many times people end up in the wrong relationship and whether or not it's a marriage or a committed relationship that people should not end that relationship and move on. I am a much better person and more fulfilled since divorcing my ex-wife. The information I will continue to share in this blog is my opinion ,but I really feel like it is based on ten plus years and 40,000 hours of true life research. I hope you enjoy it and it assists you in a positive way!!!!